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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23651539">Wahre Liebe bei dem Zerstörung des Antike Regierung</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/oh_how_droll/pseuds/oh_how_droll'>oh_how_droll</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Warnschilder hinter dem Spiegel [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Ginga Eiyuu Densetsu | Legend of the Galactic Heroes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bad Decisions at 3 AM, Canon-Typical Homophobia, Emotionally Repressed, F/F, First Kiss, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi, Mutually Unrequited, Polyamory, Utilitarianism</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:23:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,991</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23651539</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/oh_how_droll/pseuds/oh_how_droll</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"That's what terrifies me about you," he said. "I do not think that I could turn away from you no matter how dark the path you walk becomes."</p>
</blockquote><br/><b>MAJOR SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 26 OF THE ORIGINAL OVA/EPISODE 24 OF DNT, MINOR SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 59 OF THE ORIGINAL OVA.</b>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hildegard von Mariendorf/Magdalena von Westfalen, Reinhard von Lohengramm &amp; Hildegard von Mariendorf, Siegfried Kircheis/Reinhard von Lohengramm, Wolfgang Mittermeyer &amp; Siegfried Kircheis, Wolfgang Mittermeyer/Oskar von Reuenthal/Evangeline Mittermeyer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Warnschilder hinter dem Spiegel [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1734082</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Allein weinen und zusammen weinen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Reinhard von Lohengramm finally tells Siegfried Kircheis what he feels for him.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm just going to warn everyone that the story earns its 'Canon-Accurate Homophobia' tag early.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h2>True Love at the Death of the Ancien Régime</h2><p>“I am Your Excellency’s loyal subject, Marquis Lohengramm.”</p><p>The words echoed painfully in Reinhard’s head, over and over. Ten different emotions had shot through his heart at once in the moment after he heard Kircheis say those words to him. He hadn’t even truly meant to ask the question that prompted it, his own guilt over what he had allowed to occur on Westerland and his fear that even Kircheis had rejected him had forced him to act without thinking.</p><p>Even if it was for a new, grievously painful reason, the young blonde Fleet Admiral was no stranger to spending what little time he should be using to sleep laying in his bed with his face pressed into the pillow as if he was ashamed to let even the furniture around him catch him crying. He would be sobbing, if he allowed himself the privilege, but he had learned to be careful with his emotions at an early age. Every emotion but anger, at least.</p><p>It was… necessary, for someone like him. He couldn’t remember a time in his life where he hadn’t known that he was <em>broken</em>. Defective, to use the sort of dehumanizing euphemism that would have been popular in the prior days of the Empire, and that still echoed in hushed conversations to this day. He had always known both that he longed to be close to another man… and what that meant for him. Desires like his were still very much illegal in the Empire. Even if it was no longer a capital offense, it was still entirely routine for such men to be jailed if they were exposed.</p><p>Reinhard considered himself lucky, almost. He was better off than the men who only realized what they were later in life, who had built careers and lives around themselves before finally being forced to accept what they really were. He had at least been granted the luxury of having almost his entire life to practice the deception, both of himself and of others, that would be required of him.</p><p>“For a time,” he insisted in his own head. He still needed the power to end the procession of Kaisers, even if Friedrich IV had robbed him of the right, and then he would move swiftly to change all that. Some particularly petty part of him wanted nothing more than to have that be his second act once that horrible relic of a truly loathsome family had ceased taking in breath and had been escorted down into a place of dishonor within the truly putrescent pit of hell that he hoped was waiting for every member and supporter of the ancien régime.</p><p>Ensuring that no woman would ever be treated like chattel in the way his sister had been came first, of course, but to have his first public step towards reforming his nation be to end one of the injustices that had hurt him most personally and to reveal to everyone who still held a retrograde view of the world that the man who had ended the revolting tyranny of kings and nobles was a <em>goddamned faggot</em> both soothed his pain somehow and fed something to the deep anger inside his heart.</p><p>When he was at his most indulgent, he even fantasized about holding one last grand wedding to the standards kept for royal marriages, just to stand as an equal…. No. To stand forth as a superior to every ruler of the Goldenbaum dynasty, none of whom had achieved one one-hundredth of the footprint on history that he was to leave, and to show perpetuity itself that his permanent bond to the love of his life was as worthy as any that came before it. Far more worthy, indeed, since no man before him had managed to conquer the galaxy for the one he loved.</p><p>Even in Reinhard’s attempts to make himself feel better, he managed to twist the knife so much deeper. For him, the broken deviant that he was, happiness and comfort were synonymous with a name. <em>Kircheis.</em> Even just as a thought, he felt as if it deserved to be written in the most intricate of golden filigree. He was his dearest friend, and he had been his only one until after he had already become an officer. He was also, more than anyone else, the focus of his forbidden desires and feelings. And now, when he was by his own estimation only perhaps a year from the trying choice of taking his final victory over the Empire with a gun or a knife, one of the two people who gave him his reason to even want to win in the first place almost surely hated him forever.</p><p>He didn’t know what he wanted to be true: had Kircheis just broken up with him because of what he had done out of his own thirst for victory and power and the freedom that came with it before they ever got the chance to acknowledge the love that they shared, or had he never even loved him? Reinhard had tried, but until he had won and vindicated his feelings, he couldn’t bring himself to tell even Kircheis what he was. He was affectionate to him, perhaps more affectionate than he should be, but allowing himself tiny cracks in his façade made keeping the entire thing standing far easier.</p><p>There were… dalliances in the past, but they had remained entirely physical and were separated by years.</p><p>He had kissed the beautiful boy that had saved him when he let his temper fool him into thinking that he could storm the palace with a gun and save his sister alone, after he shared what would become his second most guarded secret with him. It was somewhat ironic that he shared his republicanism more freely than his sexuality even now, when one was a capital offense and the other was not, but he would rather be hung for his cause than be disgraced for life. They’d spent much of the rest of that night lying under the stars together, laying the first bricks in what would become their grand plan. While they had had more hushed conversations about their future breaching Neue Sanssouci, neither had ever breached the topic of the kiss again.</p><p>He had been indiscreet on only one other occasion, in the midst of one of the few vacations that his ambition had allowed him: a camping trip that he had taken with Kircheis as a teenager. One night, as Kircheis undressed to make himself comfortable in the heat of a particularly sweltering summer evening, he had been overcome by his teenage hormones and… had made it wordlessly clear to his dearest friend what he had <em>needed</em>. He had been slightly forceful that night, not quite himself, but the object of his desire had given him no sign that he was anything but willing to tend to Reinhard’s needs, and had fallen asleep close to him like he wanted so badly. When Reinhard woke, however, his beau was nowhere to be seen, having awoken first and managed to slip away from him without waking him.</p><p>He knew that Kircheis was willing to do anything that he asked or needed of him. Was that all Kircheis saw him as? Was he really such a brilliant leader that he’d convinced another man who wasn’t even broken like him to grant him a few unspeakable favors while they were still boys? Had the brilliant crimson lodestar that was one of the two reasons he had walked down the path he had taken just been a truly supportive friend?</p><p>The thought made him let out a solitary, choked sob. Yet, part of him thought that was less cruel a possibility than the alternative. At least then, he had never had a chance of having the life he wanted, instead of starting with a chance and, through his own cruelty, having thrown it away.</p>
<hr/><p>He was standing over the corpse of one of the men who opposed him. This time, it was Braunschweig. Apparently, one of his former military underlings was delivering his body to him as an attempt to curry favor and find a place in his new Imperial Navy.</p><p>He could forgive a man who served with distinction and who was motivated to fight against him by loyalty, but he had no room in his heart to forgive a man so debased as to be the personal military assistant to Prince Braunschweig.</p><p>However, he barely had time to put together what he wanted to tell the creature that stood before him in the crude shape of a man before <em>it</em> happened.</p><p>Before he could even begin to speak to him, something that Reinhard allowed only out of what remained of his courtesy, Ansbach reached forward and pulled a gun forth from Braunschweig’s coffin. “Marquis Lohengramm, I will avenge my lord!” was all that he said before he fired, but the moment was such a flash of activity it hardly mattered.</p><p>Oberstein immediately jumped to shield Reinhard with his own body, as Kircheis all but leaped forward onto this man to ensure that he could not endanger his close friend. Kircheis protecting him was nothing new, but it still made some part of him happy to see the speed at which he was willing to commit such an act of bravery for him. Every bit of blood in Reinhard’s body froze rock solid in one second just a moment later.</p><p>He had another weapon concealed in his ring, and a moment after Kircheis wrestled Ansbach to the ground, he fired the laser in his ring, puncturing through Kircheis’ chest and making him immediately cough forth a burst of blood as beautifully crimson as his hair.</p><p>The sight would have broken Reinhard at any time, but with the state he had been in of late, he couldn’t help himself. He all but threw Oberstein out of the way in his haste to run over to Kircheis, who was already on the ground. He tried to be as gentle as his heart would let him as he gripped Kircheis’ hand and screamed out for someone to get a doctor, only to hear the voice of his dearest friend say what he knew already.</p><p>“Too late…” was all he said, as Reinhard sobbed uncontrollably.</p><p>“No!” the blonde shouted through his tears, still managing to sound as impetuous as ever even in a moment like this. “It can’t be. It can’t. Kircheis… I need you.” His voice dropped to barely more than a whisper and sounded achingly vulnerable.</p><p>Kircheis already felt weak, and he doubted that he would have more than a moment left. “Lord Reinhard… I promised I’d follow you forever. I am sorry that your most loyal subordinate has failed you,” he said, choking softly on his own blood to punctuate the last sentence.</p><p>“Kircheis, you have to live, because I… I…” was as much as Reinhard was able to get out before he choked on his own tears and misery, stuttering and failing to push the words he needed to say before the only person he could ever tell them to was unable to hear them out of his throat. He leaned down close, to speak right into the perfect redhead’s ear. He could not bear to look at his face fully, he was too beautiful even in his dying moment.</p><p>Before he could say the words that he needed to say, he felt the man that he cherished go limp and still in his arms, the emptiness of his eyes making it clear that he would never get the chance to say them now, but he still did, even if they would never be heard. “I love you,” the blonde murmured, knowing that they were words he would never need to make use of again.</p>
<hr/><p>Reinhard’s eyes bolted open. He was still laying atop his bedcovers, soaked in sweat, panting and with his heart pounding in his chest. He had been sobbing, even outside his dream. It was just a terrible dream, he knew that on some level, but there was nothing that knowledge did to unclench his chest. Even if he couldn’t, even if he perhaps hated him or perhaps didn’t have enough feelings towards him for them to include hate.</p><p>It was only 3 AM. He quickly tried to decide if his pajamas were clean enough to walk across a mostly sleeping ship. He hardly thought Kircheis would react properly to him showing up in his uniform… If nothing else, his uniform had to stay ready and perfect to wear for the meeting in a precious few hours, and he didn’t like his own odds that he wouldn’t dirty them with his tears during the conversation that he had to have.</p><p>If the dream was some sort of vision from on high or if it was just a random scene collected together out of his own fears didn’t matter, what mattered was the response that it quickly engendered in him, and what he had realized about the current condition. Reinhard refused to let his own cowardice get in the way of what he needed to say to Kircheis finally, even if it was ahead of schedule.</p><p>He strode forth out of his cabin looking flushed and red-eyed. He tried to ensure that no one else who worked at this moment saw him, since he worried that he’d only start rumors about himself by doing this. He was trying his best to just focus on finding his way within Geiersberg to the suite that Kircheis was using during their stay aboard the fortress. It was just different enough inside from Iserlohn for his memories to be a handicap rather than an advantage.</p><p>He simply walked up to Kircheis’ quarters and knocked on the door to try to wake him. He didn’t know what state of mind Kircheis would be in regarding him, he didn’t know if he’d be receptive of what to say, there were just certain words that he couldn’t risk going unspoken, a truth he had to give the taller blonde man.</p><p>Kircheis knew who was the only person that would pound on his door at this time of the morning. This was one of the few times that he could remember where he would not happy to meet Reinhard, but all the same, he rose in his pajamas and went to open the door for him, unsure what had made him seek his attention so early.</p><p>“Lord Reinhard?” he asked, about to start into some formality about the time before noticing what state the man was in. He was unsure when the last time that he had seen Reinhard cry was. The man was normally too steely-willed to allow it of himself, and he had no idea what had prompted this, stepping aside for his oldest and closest friend to come inside with him so that the two of them could speak.</p><p>Reinhard reached out and grasped Kircheis tight to himself for a long moment, holding his chest against him and just feeling the obvious signs of life that emanated from the redhead, his mind flooding with relief even as he started to actually cry once more.</p><p>“You’re alive! Oh Kircheis, you’re alive…” was the first thing that Reinhard managed to piece together and say.</p><p>After a moment, Reinhard pulled back, realizing the manifest strangeness of his behavior, stepping back to give a tiny bit of space to the taller man, before walking over to the small loveseat up against one of the walls, finding a place to sit other than Kircheis’ bed, a space that he found far too fraught.</p><p>Kircheis followed him over and sat next to him, looking at the other man expectantly, still not sure what had come over him. “What has made you wake me like this? After what you have done, do you really need me to sooth you because you had a nightmare?”</p><p>“I could have had a normal life,” Reinhard said, knowing that it was both not an answer and partly a lie. He could have had a different extraordinary life, perhaps, but not an ordinary one. “But I chose to become who I am now because I knew I could not let my sister be taken from us. I chose to devote myself to something impossible for any lesser man than myself so that I did not have to live with the regret that would come with forgoing my cause.” Even with his heightened emotions, he was still prone to unavoidable bombast.</p><p>“Was your cause always to include the slaughter of innocents for your own personal gain, Lord Reinhard?” Kircheis asked in response, the pain and betrayal he felt sharpening his tone.</p><p>“Oberstein…” he said, looking for words that would let him simply avoid the situation, before accepting that he could not suffer cowardice such as that from himself. “I could try to tell you how that rat Oberstein went behind my back to cause the massacre on Westerland or how he has even tried to push the two of us apart, but that will not bring two million innocent lives back.”</p><p>“I promised you that I would stay loyally by your side. I meant that when we were boys, and I still mean the same thing now… But I had not realized that your convictions could take you so sharply in a direction where I would be unsure that I could follow.”</p><p>Those words hurt Reinhard deeply, in a way that brought what he needed to do to a head almost as sharply as the dream had. “I cannot lose you, Kircheis. And yet, there is something I have to tell you. Something I have to be honest with you about, because I cannot live with the regret that would fill me if I failed.”</p><p>“But first, I have to tell you something about myself that I have never told a soul,” he continued. “My sister caused me to walk the path that I have, but there is another unjust privilege of the Kaisers that spurred my destiny. Kaspar was able to be what he was and abdicate the throne to live off in the woods with one of his servant boys, and yet if I ever told anyone how just seeing your perfect face makes me feel… Even now I doubt I would be safe.”</p><p>Kircheis rarely heard Reinhard speak imprecisely or without the utmost directness. He knew what Reinhard was going to say from the moment he was unable to speak just what the historical rumors around Kaspar were. Even as furious as he felt at Reinhard, he still reached out and softly grasped one of his hands with both of his own, which by now were balled into fists, as they always were when his emotions became heated enough.</p><p>“Do you really think that you need to tell me that?” he asked, his tone having softened drastically. “I realized that you were gay when we were both sixteen. You grabbed my hand and pressed it into your underwear when we were changing in a tent.” Despite himself, he smiled gently.</p><p>Reinhard flushed as he was reminded of that moment, and yet… Kircheis was still here, still holding his hand with his own blessedly soft ones. A moment of renewed nerve came over him as he spoke again. “That is not everything that I was trying to say,” he said, pausing for a moment to find his words, comforted by the fact that he had more than a few seconds to do so this time. “I have never felt lonely nor regretted the path that I have taken in life, because I have always had you with me. I love you deeply, Kircheis.”</p><p>Kircheis remained silent for a moment after hearing those words, simply staring at Reinhard, until finally he spoke again. “I am sorry… When you say something with so much conviction, you get a sparkle in your eyes that makes me think of the boy who could not control his own impulses but still convinced me to upend my entire life so that I could try to change the galaxy forever with him.”</p><p>He shifted from holding Reinhard’s fist with both his hands, wrapping one arm around the other man and holding him close against his side. “That night was when I fell in love with you, you know. I wanted to go to school and live a normal life and take over my parents’ flower shop, but the thought of running away from all of it with you made my heart flutter so hard that I nearly fainted.”</p><p>“That’s what terrifies me about you,” he said. “I do not think that I could turn away from you no matter how dark the path you walk becomes. That was not a problem when I thought I could trust you not to do monstrous things, but if you listen to rats like Oberstein and become the same kind of man as Rudolf, I do not know what I am to do.”</p><p>Reinhard exhaled heavily. “I do not know what I could offer you that would soothe your fear.”</p><p>“If nothing else, promise me.”</p><p>“I promise you shall never need to leave my side.”</p><p>At this moment, that was all that Kircheis needed. Reinhard may have done his best to sound like his usual, confident self, but he knew that he was terrified on the inside. So, impulsively, he decided to try to make him feel more comfortable. Kircheis pressed a soft, gentle kiss to the blonde’s lips, not awkward and impulsive and childish as Reinhard’s had been all those years ago, but also not overly passionate, just a simple physical expression of a feeling he had been aching to share for so long.</p><p>Reinhard was a bright pink when Kircheis pulled back, only managing to speak after a moment. “It is very late, and I have barely slept. I worry if I could even make it back to my own room…” he murmured up at the redhead who had just kissed him.</p><p>Kircheis regretfully stood up, the closeness he had longed for all the more precious in its absence. He lead Reinhard to his own bed, the sheets still hastily pulled back from when he had heard knocking at his door and had known who the only person who would have done that rather than using his phone would be. He lied down first, taking his normal position on his side, knowing that he wanted Reinhard near him, but unsure how close he would be.</p><p>Reinhard wasted no time at all lying next to him, curling into his front and tucking his head under Kircheis’ chin, letting the taller man wrap an arm around him to keep him close. It was deeply intimate, even if both were still clothed. Sleep overtook them in moments.</p>
<hr/><p>Kircheis, unsurprisingly, woke first. He was surprised, to say the least, to feel such warmth against his body, much less to open his eyes and see that it was Reinhard against him. Not that it could have been anyone else, there was no one else he would let share his bed like this, but he had been so certain that the night before had just been a pleasant dream. It still felt unreal to him, actually. His fingers had tangled into the blonde’s gorgeous, curly hair in his sleep, and it felt so right to lie with him this close.</p><p>He had the completion of what he had wanted for so long. The morning was busy both for him and especially for Reinhard, so he mournfully began to move to free himself, since the man he was sharing a bed with had moved to hold him in return. He began to stir slowly, gripping him tighter for a moment before eventually rolling onto his back and acquiescing.</p><p>“I loathe that this is not how I wake up every morning,” Reinhard said. “What would Oberstein think if he saw this?”</p><p>The question set something off in Kircheis. It reminded him of what had happened, why he had barely been able to speak to Reinhard, and of why it was wrong for him to have spent the night like that.</p><p>“That reminds me…”, the man still laying in the bed added, still struggling to wake up after his abbreviated sleep. “You and I should not act any different to each other in public. Not until I can make it safe. Once that is done, I plan on marrying you.” Reinhard was as confident as ever, and as unwilling to hide just how high his ambitions were.</p><p>Kircheis couldn’t do this. He couldn’t handle that self-sure attitude from a man he didn’t even trust. “It is good that you do not expect us to act differently than before, Lord Reinhard. Despite last night, we start this morning the same as when I retired from your presence yesterday. I cannot allow someone to hold me with blood-soaked hands, and I cannot trust someone who acts in opposition to their principles.” He got dressed as he spoke, trying his best to camouflage his pain in the same way that he had seen Reinhard do it many times.</p><p>“I suggest that you return to your cabin soon. You badly need a shower before the senior command staff meeting at nine, and you will not have time if you do not return soon.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>SO! Here we are at the end of the first chapter of what I hope will be a not-excessively-long series. It's quite an emotional rollercoaster, and Kircheis remembering how hurt he was before the middle-of-the-night confession and trying to hurt Reinhard back <i>by imitating him</i> is weirdly adorable to me?</p><p>I am somewhat worried about whether I got the voices of the characters right. Especially Kircheis, because we see precisely one episode of him being anything less than doting with Rein before he dies.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Learning to Paint with Broken Brushes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kircheis felt terrible for how he had acted that morning. Even if Reinhard was becoming a man that he couldn’t be in love with, his closest friend and moral compass trying to hurt him on purpose was not going to help set him back on the path to rectitude. He just didn’t know what else he could do, since he knew that Reinhard would only have to look at him right and he’d be wrapped around his finger. Kircheis couldn’t trust himself to act sensibly around him, he was his model in everything, including how to assert himself without his emotions getting in the way.</p>
<p>It was equally troubling that Kircheis no longer felt as if he could trust Reinhard not to take advantage of the deep bond and affection that they shared. He didn’t know if Reinhard was simply making excuses last night, since he had been so unrepentant when Kircheis first confronted him about what happened on Westerland. Were the feelings that he had admitted he had even real? He was almost scared that the whole thing had been a ploy to keep him from distancing himself from him.</p>
<p>He took a walk around the area of the newly conquered fortress that had been secured as the operating base for the Imperial Fleet in the region of space that had until recently been controlled by the Lippstadt League to try to clear his head before he would have to see his commanding officer again. Despite his position, he brewed his own tea and drank it sitting alone, trying to think of anything but what had just happened.</p>
<p>Before long, he decided to wait in the conference room that would be used for the meeting. The only other member of Reinhard’s admiralty that was present more than a few minutes before the meeting was to begin was Oberstein, and there were not many men that Kircheis would have liked to see less. His laconic nature was the one aspect of the the admiral’s personality he found unobjectionable, because it at least ensured that he would not try to converse with him. Even still, he felt his cold, mechanical eyes boring a hole into his head as he tried to focus on reviewing his notes for the meeting.</p>
<p>As the scheduled time approached, the rest of those who would be in attendance arrived. First Mecklinger, then Mittermeyer and Reuenthal arrived together, with Kempff, Steinmetz, Wahlen, Müller, Lutz and Kessler entering one by one while everyone awaited the face that was usually present before anyone else. Bittenfield arrived just after the meeting had been scheduled to begin, but it was hardly noticed since Reinhard himself was anything but excessively punctual for what was almost the first time in the many years that Kircheis had known him.</p>
<p>It was nearly fifteen minutes after the scheduled time when he finally arrived, looking almost as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Most of the men in attendance wouldn’t notice the difference anyway, but he could tell that Reinhard’s hair was freshly blow-dried, looking all the softer and more voluminous for it. Even as he stood and saluted as normal, he couldn’t get the thoughts from waking up with it around his fingers out of his mind. It was so much easier to hate him when he wasn’t there to tempt his heart and remind him of happier times. After the events of the last night, Kircheis struggled to focus properly. As each man around the table gave his report on any ongoing projects in turn, he was barely listening. His own feelings were more salient to him than Vice Admiral Mecklinger giving a detailed report of the damage and losses he had incurred in the final battle for Geiersburg.</p>
<p>He gave his own short report without issue, and afterwards the meeting’s agenda shifted to discussing how to handle the few remaining traitors who had not fled for Phezzan, committed suicide, or died in battle. Oberstein was the first to speak on the matter. “Your Excellency, the matter is simple enough to merit little discussion. The high nobles and their sympathizers have been defeated, and to do anything but crush the seeds of future rebellion would be an act of malpractice. Take any remaining ships and common soldiers, along with anything else that could prove useful to you, and then execute the rest. Your victory has dispersed the forces that may oppose you, and it is essential that you act to solidify your power before a new front of resistance is able to form.”</p>
<p>Reinhard listened, but he had little patience for Oberstein’s impertinence this soon after he had so brazenly manipulated him and challenged his authority. “Were I to have lost, what would have happened to anyone in this room who was forced to surrender? It was of little difficulty to defeat them with their full forces. Few remain, and even if I grant mercy to those who deserve it, their numbers will be fewer still. If they wish to attempt to offer me their loyalty, it would be wasteful to ignore it. Give them the opportunity, and then any who remain impudent are to be executed. I will place High Admiral Kircheis in charge of receiving their offers. Submit their names to me, I will determine if any of them require a personal audience.”</p>
<p>“If there is no other urgent business, then I must recognize the salience of the point made by Vice Admiral Oberstein. This is a rare moment, and we are unlikely to be offered a similar opportunity to strike at the heart of the old Empire again. I will be retreating to my private space on the Brünhilde to formulate a precise plan to seize the power that I have earned. I do not wish to be interrupted unless the situation is an emergency of the utmost importance.” He had a fire in his eyes that made it clear there was to be no further business, before adding one last thought.</p>
<p>“It may be tempting to celebrate this as the victorious end of a war, simply because that is how it shall be recorded in history books. Only a foolhardy admiral would confuse breaking one flank of his opponent’s fleet with victory in a battle, and this is little different. Our true enemy is still on Odin.”</p>
<p>Soon after, as he was waiting for an elevator to take him to the level on which his flagship was docked, Reinhard saw Oberstein silently approach him, before moving to ride the elevator with him once it arrived. “Your Excellency, there is no need for you to cloister yourself like this,” he said, his tone as cold as ever. “I have been preparing for your inevitable victory over the Lippstadt League. If you simply allow me to –”</p>
<p>Reinhard forcefully interrupted. “It isn’t wise to show one of my admirals special treatment. You may submit your plan to me, but I mustn’t entrust you with too much power simply for being my loyal subordinate.”</p>
<hr/>
<p>Once he was alone and in the safety of his own ship, Reinhard immediately broke into his collection of wines. It was still well before noon, but he needed something to try to calm himself. Kircheis’ words from the morning were still affecting him.</p>
<p>He had told him so many truths that he could never share with anyone else last night. He trusted Kircheis more than anyone else! When he was this troubled by a situation, he would always consult with Kircheis, but that was precisely what he couldn’t do now. Losing the other man, even if it was to the fear and doubt that filled the gap between them now rather than the icy curtain of death, still made Reinhard feel as if he had lost one of his own vital organs.</p>
<p>As he thought of this, he had been sipping on his wine frequently enough to find his judgement slightly clouded. He needed to talk to someone about this, and there was only one person that he knew he could trust on this matter in particular, even if he had not known her for long. He used the secure communications system on his study’s computer to open a channel to his Admiralty on Odin using the highest level of security that would not implicate the involvement of the signal engineers on either the Brünhilde or at home, since he wanted to do everything possible to keep this out of view of the thousand eyes of Oberstein.</p>
<p>Once the connection goes through, Reinhard asked if the person on the other end of the line was alone. Hildegard von Mariendorf answered in the affirmative, still working diligently in Reinhard’s office even while he was away. “Should I lock the doors, Your Excellency?” she asks, receiving only a grave nod in return. She returns a moment later, having done so. “I assume you wouldn’t have called me from the former front line simply because you need my personal congratulations on another victory.” In the six months that she had been working for him, Reinhard had grown to trust her as one of the only people beyond Kircheis and Annerose with whom he was able to truly speak his mind.</p>
<p>“No, I have a sudden personnel issue and I am not sure who else I can turn to in this moment.”</p>
<p>“I do not wish to be rude, but are you sure that I am the most qualified person to turn to? I am capable of assisting your political aims, but I’m hardly –”</p>
<p>“You have a special friend, do you not, Fraulein? Aren’t you rather close with Baroness Westpfale? Kircheis told me he saw the two of you leaving a party we both had to attend together.”</p>
<p>Hildegard merely maintained the pleasantly neutral expression that she had learned so well as an ambitious young woman in the Empire. At this moment, she was decidedly unsure what Reinhard meant to be hinting towards, and what precisely he was getting at by revealing in such an uncharacteristically vague way that he knew about her girlfriend. “It has been very kind of her to allow me to stay in her home near the center of the capital for some time now, yes.”</p>
<p>“That is why you can understand the difficulty I would have talking to anyone else. If I attempt to discuss the problem in generalities with anyone but Kircheis, they will grow suspicious that I am not discussing it with him, and I cannot discuss it with Kircheis because he is at the core of the problem. I need to speak with someone else who understands the delicacies of special friendships.”</p>
<p>“I was not aware that you and I had so much in common, Your Excellency,” Hildegard lied. She’d seen the way that he and Kircheis looked at each other before, she had at least suspected as much. “I still feel that I am hardly qualified to support you in this endeavor, but I understand why you would come to me.”</p>
<p>“The last twenty-four hours have been some of the most eventful of my life, and I do not know how to properly summarize them,” Reinhard said, relaxing slightly with a subtle hint of relief on his face that he was getting a chance to talk to someone. That was the second largest reason that the idea of Kircheis turning away from him scared Reinhard so deeply; as much as he was concerned that the man he loved hated him, he was concerned that the man he relied on as his closest confidant was no longer willing to serve that role. It was soothing to be reminded that there were others he could speak to.</p>
<p>“You already know of my victory, Fraulein, and I wish that I was able to enjoy that feeling. Do you also know of the rumors that surround me even within my own fleet?”</p>
<p>“I am both too far and too close to you for such things to reach my ears, Your Excellency,” Hildegard replied. She was one of the most public allies of Reinhard, and as such, did not hear many secretive whispers from those against him.</p>
<p>“I am alleged to have caused the massacre on Westerland through my own willful inaction and for my own benefit.”</p>
<p>Hildegard gasped slightly at those words, and the seeming lack of remorse or concern on Reinhard’s face. “Is this allegation true?” she asked, not sure what else she could say.</p>
<p>“In a sense, yes, and not in another. Even if I were to allow such an atrocity to occur through inaction, it ended the civil war, and through that, likely saved more than two million lives that would have been lost if the series of pointless routs the nobles had been insisting upon had continued.”</p>
<p>“Even if you can make a calculation that could arguably justify what happened, how can you not feel remorseful?”</p>
<p>“Will my remorse bring back even a single life, Fraulein? I do not see what difference it makes. Perhaps you and Kircheis are the same, and the two of us are fated to have our own falling out.”</p>
<p>“Is that why you called me, then? What happened between you and High Admiral Kircheis?” Hildegard asked, trying to avoid a discussion of her own feelings on the matter quite yet.</p>
<p>Reinhard explained to her what had occurred. The fight that he and Kircheis had had, the way that Kircheis had distanced himself from him, the nightmare that had forced him into action, his desperate confession in the middle of the night, how joyous it had made him for Kircheis to reciprocate his feelings and how well he slept getting to be close to him in a way that he never had before.</p>
<p>Hildegard listened patiently, wanting to allow him to complete his thoughts before she responded, even if she could understand how Kircheis felt quite well in this moment.</p>
<p>“The morning was the worst part, even if I had woken up in such comfort,” Reinhard continued, almost done with his explanation. “He was still as warm as he had been the night before at first, but almost as soon as I left his arms, he changed completely. Even after he accepted my confession, he still thinks that I am a monster. How can he not understand me if he claims to love me?”</p>
<p>Hildegard was thoughtful for a moment, not sure how she could explain this to her employer and the one who she still believed would be the next ruler of the Empire. “I have a question I must return to from earlier: do you feel remorse for what you may have allowed to happen at Westerland?”</p>
<p>“Of course I do,” Reinhard replied. “It was a horrible tragedy, just like so many other things perpetrated by the high nobles upon their subjects.”</p>
<p>“Did you tell him this?” Hildegard asked, unsure herself just how to understand the man that she was speaking to.</p>
<p>“He should understand that I may need to do terrible things to avert larger disasters. Kircheis is almost as talented an admiral as I am.”</p>
<p>“Yes, but you are the one who just told me how you were inspired by a dream to run to his quarters in the middle of the night and confess your feelings to him. Love isn’t a rational thing. He may love the man who he hopes that you are and hate the man who he fears that you are at the same time.”</p>
<p>“If I am to lead a nation, I must be respected and perhaps even feared. How can I be such a man if I show that I was unable to control what happened and that I am hurt inside by something that helped my cause?”</p>
<p>“If you really do love him, you need to accept that part of that involves being truly vulnerable with him. An imperious Kaiser may be able to have concubines, but he cannot truly have a partner.” Hildegard worried that her final comment went too far, but she was scared herself at the path that she could see Reinhard beginning to walk down, and she wanted to ensure that he would have someone more adept than her to keep him from straying from the ideals that had convinced her to join his cause.</p>
<p>“Fraulein, you have my thanks,” Reinhard responded. “You have clarified the situation greatly.”</p>
<hr/>
<p>Kircheis did not have the privilege of giving himself a day off to stew with his feelings. It was somewhat reassuring that Reinhard still felt that he could trust him, but in practice that simply meant that he received extra work above a nd beyond what he already needed to accomplish, and that kept him working until well past the time where most around him had been able to return to their quarters or take advantage of the lounges and bars inside the grand fortress that they had seized.</p>
<p>The work at least made it easy for him to keep Reinhard from filling his thoughts entirely, even if they did drift towards him frequently. It was nearly contradictory, really. Part of him was focused on the positive memories, his weariness making him picture what it’d be like to finish his work for the day and return to a suite that he shared with Reinhard, and spend the evening together, even getting to fall asleep in each other’s arms again… But he also cursed those thoughts, because they made him think of what he could have if he was not hopelessly infatuated with a man he feared was a monster.</p>
<p>What would Reinhard think was the larger hardship: being in love with a man, or the fact that he could not trust that man to remain the same one who he had fallen for? Reinhard’s response to both was simply to close himself off from everyone.</p>
<p>Even though he was tired after his day, Kircheis did not return to his suite once he was finally done, but instead made his way to one of the bars that had been reopened by the support residents of Geiersberg since it was captured. He had drunk with Reinhard plenty of times, and had quickly acquired a taste for the fine wines that his friend’s ever-rising station brought him. ‘The company had helped,’ he thought to himself, unable to keep his heart from yearning for the honesty that he had just reached with Reinhard to have come at a better time where he would have been able to enjoy it.</p>
<p>For nearly the first time, he sat by himself in the corner of the bar that was full of other high-ranking officers, trying his best to avoid attention as he sought to drink for drink’s sake. For the hope that drunkenness would at least free him from the ache that refused to recede from his heart.</p>
<p>He couldn’t focus on either the time or the number of drinks that passed his lips as he sat there, even as his goal remained entirely out of his reach. There was nothing else that he could think about in this moment but the twin forces of utter infatuation and disgust that threatened to rip him end from end. At some point, once his thoughts were made fuzzy by drink but still resolutely refused to focus elsewhere, someone else sat down next to him at the bar. Kircheis softly groaned before even processing who it was, he didn’t want to have to talk to someone like this.</p>
<p>It was High Admiral Mittermeyer, who leaned in towards him and spoke softly, with a gentle flush on his cheeks that may have belied that he was in such a different state than Kircheis was at this moment. “Everyone else in this room is celebrating, but I don’t think that you are… Even if you and I are the same rank, I’d like to suggest that you not just sit alone and wallow in whatever is troubling you. We can head into one of the bars that haven’t been opened right now and even if you don’t want to talk to me, I can at least help make sure that you pace yourself better than you have been. Call it the wisdom of a man who’s had more time to make mistakes with drink than you have, if nothing else.” He smiled softly, and turned to stand after a moment, waiting to see if Kircheis would follow.</p>
<p>He knew that he shouldn’t, he barely trusted himself not to let out a secret he could never share like this, but he couldn’t help but trust somewhat in the man who had been the third, besides Kircheis himself and Reuenthal, to join Reinhard’s cause rather than simply serve beneath him. Mecklinger had served under Reinhard longer, but had only learned of his true intent much later. And thus, he stood up, slightly wobbly at first, and followed Mittermeyer out of the bar. He couldn’t fully discount the idea that part of why he had done it was just because it felt good to have a blonde man smile at him in this moment.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Soon enough, he was sitting at a different bar in an empty room, staring off into nothingness and remaining stuck in the muddy pit of thoughts that he’d been trapped in since the morning.</p>
<p>Mittermeyer stood behind the bar, leaning against it and looking down with that same friendly look as earlier, before ultimately deciding that he needed to be the one to prompt further conversation. “We’ve just won a civil war and you and I are closer than ever before to our true goals, so I must wonder what has you in this state. I’d like to say that I have some grand intuition for what it could be, but —”</p>
<p>“Do you at least have a guess?” Kircheis interrupted, his vision focusing in on Mittermeyer’s face as he struggled not to vent the pain that was inside him upon his friend and colleague.</p>
<p>“I’m a married man. That makes me an expert in understanding why someone is hurting without being told.” Mittermeyer joked, a wry smile on his face as he played the role of the wise bartender.</p>
<p>“At least you can be a married man,” Kircheis muttered, immediately regretting it. In his current state, he could hardly hide the look of surprise that he had at his own mouth, hoping that Mittermeyer wouldn’t be insightful enough to know what he meant.</p>
<p>“Ah, so it is a problem of the heart… I am familiar with those, and I think I may be more familiar with your situation than you know. What do you think motivated Reuenthal to join with His Excellency?” Mittermeyer paused for a moment, concluding that even if he was wrong he trusted Kircheis with this secret. “He didn’t pledge his loyalty to him merely to protect a friendship. He writes them in a certain code and is a certain type of man, but the letter he had Fleet Admiral Lohengramm give me as soon as the two of you had rescued me was as tender as anything that Evangeline has ever sent.”</p>
<p>“I never realized that the two of you were anything more than close friends,” Kircheis replied, hoping that he hadn’t misinterpreted something in his fuzzy state. “My emotions have been stronger than usual of late, and I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but… Aren’t you married?” As much as Kircheis understood how difficult it was to be honest when your feelings were so far from what was even legal to express, he was still a romantic at heart. The thought of being unfaithful to a partner was quite upsetting for him, even though he understood how painful secret yearnings could be.</p>
<p>“Evangeline knows. It wasn’t as if I could really hide it once Reuenthal tried to whisk me away with him while we were still on our honeymoon together,” Mittermeyer said, laughing fondly at his own memories. “If you weren’t drunk, I’d be offended at the implication that I would be so dishonorable to someone that I love as much as I love her.”</p>
<p>“You say that, and yet you have another man who is willing to do anything to save you and who sends you tender letters afterward.”</p>
<p>“Yes, and I love him very deeply in return as well. That doesn’t do anything to diminish how I feel about my wife, you know. If I’m willing to tell you this much about my own life, you should at least be able to talk with me about what is bothering you. Not just for yourself, but because I would like to know that I can rely on you as a fellow soldier when we next enter battle.”</p>
<p>Kircheis explained the events of the night before and the thoughts that had been threatening to tear him apart all day, with a particular focus on the morning. On how good it had felt to finally wake up next to him, to hear Reinhard’s gentle little breaths as he stayed asleep at first, but then how difficult it had been to be reminded that the man he loved cared so much about the thoughts of a rat like Oberstein, and how scared he was by the idea that his soul was bound to the soul of a man who he couldn’t trust.</p>
<p>Mittermeyer listened and nodded, eventually reaching out and softly resting his hand against Kircheis’ arm as he spoke, the pain in his voice resonating deeply with him. If the fleet hadn’t been his calling and where he had been pushed by his father, he could see himself making a decent councilor. He certainly had the empathy for it, and the gentle tears that were slowly trickling down the younger man across from him’s cheeks reminded him of that.</p>
<p>“I don’t even know where to start,” he confessed. “I wish that there was some magical bit of advice I could give you that would make both you and Reinhard happy tomorrow, but I don’t lie to other members of the fleet. I do have <em>some</em> words of wisdom to share, but first I want to ask a question that will sound odd: Have you read much philosophy?”</p>
<p>Kircheis sighed and shook his head gently. “Reinhard has, but I have no idea where he finds the time. We both left school young to join the fleet, and it takes me all the time he uses to enrich himself beyond his talent as a commander just to try and keep myself at a level where I can keep up with his brilliance.”</p>
<p>Mittermeyer shrugged softly. “I haven’t read much myself, although not just for lack of opportunity. I do better with practical things… I was an actuarial officer in the logistics branch before I was shuffled onto a ship and realized I actually had a talent for tactics myself. It is a pursuit I am happy to leave for Reuenthal, although I do wish he was with us right now because he could surely explain what I’m about to say better than I could. In fewer words, at least, if that surprises you.” He pauses for a moment to collect his thoughts, before continuing. “Ethics are complicated things, and I think that Reinhard and you have very different viewpoints.”</p>
<p>“That is precisely my fear,” Kircheis says. “I hope you do not intend to tell me that I should simply stop caring about innocent lives just because he no longer does.”</p>
<p>“There are two major types of ethical thought. Deontologists believe that there are a bunch of firm moral rules that govern what is right and wrong, and that actions therefore have an inherent moral character, whereas consequentialists believe that the moral character of an action can only be determined in the context of its results, in comparison to all other possible courses of action.”</p>
<p>“Shouldn’t it be obvious which is right? The Kaiser exists in a world without rules, living only for his own pleasure. That’s why we need to free the Empire from him.”</p>
<p>“I think that anyone who has ethics at all would agree that a man who does whatever he wants without regard for others is immoral, but that doesn’t prove that only firm rules can lead one to morality, or even that firm rules always lead to morality. Imagine you have five ships under your command that are about to be destroyed, killing everyone aboard, and the only way to save their crew is to sacrifice a single ship and its crew. Ignoring any outside strategic considerations, what is the moral action?”</p>
<p>Kircheis grimaced as he considered the question, struggling with it for a moment, but firmly deciding on his answer. “I would not enter such a situation, or I would find another way to save everyone.”</p>
<p>“It’s a thought experiment. That’s not how these things work.”</p>
<p>“I mean, we ask members of the fleet to make sacrifices for a greater victory all the time, as horrible as it is, so I suppose I would sacrifice the single ship.”</p>
<p>“By doing so, aren’t you violating the obvious moral rule against killing and therefore committing an immoral act? There are at least a hundred men on board that ship, and you’re choosing to send them all to their deaths.”</p>
<p>“I don’t have to be an absolute pacifist to believe that some things are inherently wrong. We’re both soldiers, it’s unfair to say that I must view the world a certain way because of my profession.”</p>
<p>“I am not disagreeing with your view, but I do ask how you’ve determined it to be right.”</p>
<p>“It’s obviously the right thing to do! How can it not be? When there is no good choice that you can make, you still have to make the best choice.”</p>
<p>“If the morality of an action is inherent, then isn’t it more morally just to do nothing?”</p>
<p>“My anger at someone who at best stood by and allowed something horrible to happen is what started this conversation, so I do not know what your point is.”</p>
<p>“If you think that morality is a bunch of absolute rules and killing is, in general, wrong… In order to be a military commander, or even just to make that choice in my little thought experiment, you have to believe that the highest moral rule is to take the action that provides the best outcome. If that can override even the prohibition on killing, how is that any different than just considering the consequences alone?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know what the point of this digression is, but it certainly hasn’t made me feel any better about anything.”</p>
<p>Mittermeyer laughed gently, an understanding smile on his face. “You and I are quite a bit alike, then. I used to agree with you on ethics and especially on the value of these discussions… I’m mostly just parroting the conversation that Reuenthal had with me over drinks a dozen times when we were first getting to know each other. I suppose that my point is that morality is complex and worth discussing. You clearly fear that Reinhard’s view of what is right has either disappeared or drifted so far from your own, but have you talked about it with him?”</p>
<p>“I tried to tell him that what he had done was wrong, and he dismissed me off hand. That’s how this started.”</p>
<p>“But did you try to talk with him about <em>why</em> you thought his actions were wrong, or did you just tell him off?”</p>
<p>“If he were the sort of man that I thought he was, I wouldn’t need to tell him why it would be wrong to do what he did.”</p>
<p>“You keep reminding me of myself, and the sorts of conversations I used to have. I think that Reuenthal and Reinhard are very similar men, on a certain level. They’re both far too smart and handsome and talented for their own good, for one. It makes them very stubborn in their views, and it means that it can be hard to understand what exactly is going on inside their heads.”</p>
<p>Despite himself, Kircheis smiled softly at the comparison, and at the chance to think positively about the man who he was infatuated with beyond himself. “I don’t know how to settle the fact that I think… No, that I believe in him so deeply that I cannot think, with what he might really be like.”</p>
<p>“We both know another man who I think was once like Reinhard is, albeit in a different way. Cold brilliance is a valuable part of the mind, but if it isn’t contained… It can be far too easy to justify horrible things. If someone just has cold intellect but no one who can tell them when they need to step back from the brink, the ice underneath them can crack and they can freeze entirely. I don’t think that Reinhard has fallen through yet, but you cannot save him by pretending that he is on solid ground.”</p>
<p>“What should I do if I fear that I cannot save him even now? How can I stop thinking about what happened?”</p>
<p>“You’re twenty years old and you’re a High Admiral who I believe could have earned his position entirely on your own through your own extraordinary merits. I don’t think that you should be surrendering so quickly. At least have a proper conversation about it with him before you do that. Even Reinhard cannot change the past, that’s one of the few things I would categorically say were beyond his reach. All that you can do is try to make the future the best future that you can.”</p>
<p>“You’re telling me that I should choose my actions based on their consequences, aren’t you?”</p>
<p>“Perhaps I am,” Mittermeyer responded with a little chuckle. “It is late, and I worry that I may be exhausting my ability to speak well. You should rest as well, especially considering that your sleep was interrupted last night.”</p>
<p>“Can we discuss these things again later?” Kircheis asked, hoping that he would have someone that he could turn to.</p>
<p>“Of course. Just send me a message and we can arrange a chance to talk privately. Well, Reuenthal might be there, but…”</p>
<p>“Anything that can be said in front of you can be said in front of him?”</p>
<p>“Precisely.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Poor Mittermeyer, having the hand of the author start puppeting him and having him talk about virtue ethics... :'(</p>
<p>This was just two thirds of what I originally planned to cover in Chapter 2, but I just couldn't help myself towards the end and I felt that it would be too much to add a third full conversation to this section.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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